Forgiveness :: Bobbie's story

     Forgiveness has been an issue with me since I was 14 years old. Mostly I have trouble forgiving myself for bad choices I made for myself, which has led to self hatred. When I was 14 God was calling me to him. I had looked at other Christians I knew and decided to tell God to take a hike. At 16 I had decided to take a look at the party side of life. One night at a party, two boys decided I was drunk enough, they decided to rape me. This mad me very angry with the whole male population. Somehow in my stupid 16 year old mind I decided to show myself how stupid men were and I continued to drink and see how many men I could sleep with. Somehow this would prove that men only thought with their penises, and not there minds. The obvious happened when I was 18. Got pregnant and yes you guessed it. I had an abortion.
     I so desperately wanted to go to college to become a PE teacher. I was able to start when I got out of high school. I felt so insecure at college, I ended up quiting. I was really struggling with the fact that I had killed my baby. I had trouble with everything else in my life. I did except Jesus as my savior at the time, because I thought if he can forgive me, I wanted to follow him. Maybe he would show me how to forgive myself.
     The man that I really wanted to marry, married someone else, so I married the first man that showed any real interest in me. He turned out to be a very abusive man. I stayed with this man for 19 years. I really thought I deserved this treatment most of the time. He couldn't have children and when I found this out, I was crushed. I thought it was my punishment. After 17 years of marriage to this man I became pregnant. The baby died just after my 1st trimester of pregnancy. Again I thought I was being punished for my past life.
     I am now married to a great guy and most of the time I live a guilt free live. But every now and again, I think about this past life of mine and I have awful bouts of heart palpitations. How can I live with myself? I am such an awful person. How do I face the men from my past. I see them regularly about town. How do I forgive myself again? I always come back to the facts. Christ died for my sin. He took it upon Himself at the cross. I don't have to worry or be anxious. I am forgiven!!!!